Oakland Mayor Plans to Defund Black People in Oakland Amid Spike in Violent Crime

Oakland, CA — Mayor Libby Schaaf has recently been entertaining plans to defund black people in Oakland due to a rise in violent crime in the Bay Area.

Plans to tighten up on black people in the Bay Area are being entertained by local politicians due to a dramatic rise in violent crime in the wake of ‘Defund the Police’. Politicians are now implementing plans to refund the police while at the same time defunding black people because, according to local politician Tyesha Jones, “niggas just can’t act right.”

When asked how ‘defunding black people’ would work, staff for Mayor Schaaf stated the following suggestions:

  • All Popeyes & Church’s Chicken will be relocated to affluent areas where residents aren’t afraid to call the police & snitch.
  • A 25% tax increase on menthol cigarettes & a 40% tax increase specifically on Newports.
  • Dirt weed will only be allowed to be sold in the hood.
  • A $50 fine for people caught driving any old school car sitting on fancy “nigga” wheels.
  • A $100 fine for anybody caught wearing a pair of black Nike Air Force 1’s in a predominately black communities.
  • A $100 fine for anybody caught wearing dread locks in predominately black communities.
  • A $250 fine for any black woman caught outside with multiple kids & no father or baby daddy in the immediate vicinity.

Right now the Mayor’s office is tossing around other ideas to get black people to stop terrorizing the streets of Oakland, but locals in Oakland feel that this is a good start.

Straight Facts B...sort of
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